AHF > BHF
The other day, after exhaling a cloud of pot smoke, my friend informed me that I dress like a lesbian skateboarder. He was referring to my oversized concert tee shirt (usually featuring a female pop star like Lana Del Rey or Selena Gomez or TayTay), swimsuit-like shorts decorated with cartoonish cats and aliens at a luau, and UFO-covered Vans sneakers.
Not long afterward, I mentioned this to a co-worker.
“I mean, low key,” he replied to confirm my buddy’s accusation. “All respect, no diss. You are one of the most real people I know.”
But how real can a straight man masquerading as a lesbian be? I’d told my pal Naomi how I was considering a RAV4 when getting a new car in the fall, but worried about how they’d become a running joke for looking like an automobile driven by lesbians.
“I just drove by a RAV4,” she texted me a day later. “You’re right, that will not help you get laid.”
When taking my mother to a new ice cream joint in town last night, she said how she had spotted someone walking in town earlier in the day.
“She had her hair pulled back so tight in a bun,” Harry told me, “that it looked like she was bald. I thought to myself, ‘Is that lesbian woman actually Adam?’”
My own mother!
I had to ask one more female friend.
“You’re very butch,” Jessica said, immediately christening it as my new nickname.
I thought about how Sue had spent sixteen years telling me that she was a gay man trapped in a woman’s body. Early in our time dating, she alluded to the possibility of wanting to hook up with a woman, but explained how she found zero sexual appeal in the ladies or she likely would’ve chowed down on some pussy in her teens. Little did she realize, she was telling a straight man cosplaying as a dyke, a word I can now say without it being a slur given my newfound access to estrogen.
While I debate purchasing an SUV, you can catch me at the skatepark gripping and ripping my deck on the half-pipe. My sports bra? Grabbed it from Sue’s closet. Nobody needs a RAV4 to get laid when they’re busy birthing Sinéad O’Connor-core.