Blebbziversary ‘17: And That’s The Way Sue Sees It
On Leap Day Eve, Sue’s friend Amy texted that it had been one year since her friend Erin died (R.I.P.) and that she had begun planning to make “a keepsake book of [their] text messages with photos interspersed.” When I mentioned how Sue had backed up several thousand text messages on a hard drive for me, Amy called her “supah smaht” and comically admitted how she wanted to skip the research and be provided “an easy way to do this meaningful/monumental project.”
As you might guess, I reacquainted myself with the contents of my hard drive having forgotten that it documented the first seventeen months — February 2017 to June 2018 — with Sue’s latest secondhand iPhone. [She bandied about the idea of backing up more texts, but in her defense, the DVR was often nearly full.] In lieu of what would have been the fourth annual “Blebbziversary” recap essay (previous ones featured her asking if I could change a toilet seat, mock accusing me of liking a “twelve-year-old” pop star who was actually twenty-eight, and us swapping stories about eating our own earwax) — it would have recapped our seventeenth anniversary — I selected her greatest hits from the year 2017, omitting many emojis because her uproarious words deserve to stand alone. She was surprised whenever I called her one of the funniest people I knew, oblivious to the fact that she had a natural silliness and delivery, both verbally and in her writing, that made numerous inconsequential asides unforgettable.
The title is derived from Jane Lynch’s performance as Sue Sylvester on Glee, a performance Sue was a huge fan of throughout the show’s run, employing the tagline following select lengthy text messages (and car rants about television shows) throughout the years. One of Sue’s gifts to me below: recalling how much I enjoyed nightly viewings of and chatting with her about Watch What Happens Live despite not watching any reality shows.
February 6
Blebbzz! I am heading upstairs and I’m wondering how long it will take me to get used to this new contraption, specifically texting on this abnormally teeny tiny screen and keyboard. Also, how many separate texts will end up on your screen? And I haven’t even begun to look at the emoji options. Suffice to say (you hate that word 😉)(was that a wink? I can’t tell), it’s going to take me a heckuva lot longer to text. Oy! Hemzz, I think we should wait until next week for the movie — it should still be around. On the awesome side, I changed the text noise to a train and now it goes “Choo!” when your texts arrive to my french fry phone. Yay! LOVE YOU!!!! ox P.S. I’ll get better at this.
February 12
Note to self: television volume only goes up to 100. And things do fall off of bureau.
March 9
Not a big deal — first, Dr. Oz’s all *plant-based eating breakthrough!* and then he’s on the Today Show like, “Well, this new study finds you can still have some red flesh.” You’re either with us or against us, Oz! Don’t dangle the carrot and try to sit at our lunch table one day and then be all, “Well, the ‘Today’ show paid me more, whehh whehh…” Not having it, Mister. That’s all! Did you see Spoon was on Kimmel? You like them, right?
March 10
Padiddle! (I just passed one and punched you)
March 11
Blebzzapalooza! Just wanted to say I love you more than 99 luftballoons! 🎈🎈🎈🎈(+95) ox
March 15
Guess what?! Someone cleared all the snow from my driveway, sidewalk, and car! I had no idea until Glenn came in and told me. I made a sign saying “Thank you so much to whoever cleaned my driveway!” and stuck it in the snow. People are good! I have renewed faith in humanity. Love you!
March 16
Dude! I just looked at my phone and the dentist fucking cancelled! WTF?! Well, it brought the word “tootherization” into being, so it can’t be all bad. Love you, B!
March 29
BTDubzz, you probably already know this, but OMG Crayola is retiring a crayon and they won’t say what one until 3/31! Go to Crayola.com — they’re making a big ta-doo about it, with a live stream and everything. Ok, back to Switched at Birth.
April 19
There is a new Wifi network coming up on my computer. FBI Surveillance Van. It is unlocked. Also, Fistiest Dumpster has two new networks: Fistiester Dumpster and Fistiesterest Dumpster 5G. Just thought I’d share! Love you!
May 3
Lates to the Tates, Norman Bates! 🔪🚿
May 9
Love isn’t always on time. Whoa whoa whoa.
May 10
You probably will not see me, but I have 3 quick things to share: Meloni’s ass montage 😳🙀; how cute it was when he (Meloni) responded to a caller by putting his chin in his hands and was all, “Hiii!” like they were teen girls; and Patti Lupone is a haggard, too-big-for-her-britches cunt (not just because of her unwarranted Madonna comment, but her entire demeanor). In the eternal words of a very smart woman, “Bitch needs to calm the fuck down!” Hope you have tonz of chunz tonight, B! Love you!
May 13
Hi Blebbz! I just have to vent, so you don’t even have to reply. So I’m sitting here — still — and I’m all, “Ok, the one I’m working on is complex, so I’ll just come back to it and work on the few that should be easy.” YEAH RIGHT! It’s like putting a puzzle together, because as soon as I find out one thing, turns out it’s connected to a bigger thing and I’m like, “Come on!” Howevzz. The good part is it’s pretty fucking fascinating, all this shit I’m learning. The way everything is interconnected. And it’s not like all of this is in one place — I’ll read one thing somewhere and think, “That’s weird — I bet this connects to that” and then go searching for that, and it turns out I’m right, and it all just continues. It’s not like back in the day when you just had two or three book sources from the library to write your term paper. Hemmz! I’ll probably vent the same words next time I see you, but I just had to get it out now. Fascinating and fun, but my God, it’s like the endless trail of just one chapter! Thanks for listening, B! No need to send me a reply. Well, maybe some Emogeez Louise if you want. (“Again, you drag me into this.” — Louise) Love you, Blebbz!
May 15
Hi B! I still have not made it upstairs — howevzz, a commercial made me think of you getting a credit card with points. I forgot about it, so I figured I’d remind you in case you still wanted to score us free air travel across the globe!
May 16
Blebbz! I know! Laura freakin’ Linney! You probably won’t see me, although I do want to reenact my reaction last night during the final minutes of DWTS, because text gives it no justice. As you probably know, Simone was voted off and it was the SHOCK HEARD ‘ROUND THE WORLD! And on Wallace Street, for sure! Now, obvz I ❤ my David Ross and I was excited and happy watching him all night but I knew — everyone knew — it was going to be him when it came down to just him and Simone. And then they said Simone was going home! I didn’t even scream happily, just in shock: “Whaaat?” repeatedly. I still can’t believe it.
May 18
Two-hour season finale of Blacklist! Yes!!!! I’m starting it now. Whoo hoo!
May 19
WHOA! They finally revealed that Red is Lizzie’s dad!! Or is he? I don’t know. They had me freaking out and believing she was dead for months, for crying out loud! So you never know. Also, Mr. Kaplan killed himself by jumping off a bridge. Pretty sure she’s dead, but… I got to scream and holler and shriek, so it was all worth it! Gonna dig in to some Andy now.
May 20
I got more fiddleheads yesterday at Shop Rite! And I found a vegan chocolate and peppermint bar at Ocean State! And there’s a new flavor of Mike and Ikes! It was a damn good (long) food/errands day! Whoo to the hoo!
May 30
I’m wearing my Pier Fries shirt with my Maine hoodie. Life is good. Ayuh.
May 31
Not sure when, but I woke up with a writing force in my gut so I’m scribbling until the flow subsides (like the tides)! MAINE!!!!
June 7
I had the bestest conversation with Ame! We are not going to Everclear and we’re both fine with that, AND she is pretty much living a parallel life to me right now — she is writing a book(s) and started a website/blog in her niche to help others! We brainstormed together for almost 2 hours and I’m going over there next Friday (16th) so we can pick each other’s brains to death! I’ll fill you in on details tomorrow but I am SO excited! And so is she! The universe (God) once again throwing me some unexpected gifts! Love you lots, Blebbity-Blebbzmeister!
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Girl dies of hysterical laughter, surrounded by a partially written manuscript. Texter charged with unintentional mans-Laughter. More at 11. ox
June 10
This just in from the Didn’t See That One Coming/Eggrollz Department: DiFranco seems to be running a bit behind. Can we make it more like 1:24?
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Abso-smurfley!
June 13
Blebbzwah! Bad newz bearz: I will not be coming over tonight. Good newz hippoz: getting all kinds of different shit done!
June 24
Well, hello! It was a long day for me, hanging with Amy (details to follow, IRL), and then they had to go to a party so I ran a few errands because I was already dressed. I got back around 11, put shit away and made dinner, and here I am! I hope your mom is doing ok. I’ve been thinking about her all day. I’ll see you both tomorrow though. I have a question (favor) for you: If you’re going out tomorrow, do you think you could stop at Target? It’s ok if you can’t, it won’t be a big deal to get dressed. They were closed by the time I ran my errands today. Whew! I just wrote “War and Fucking Peace!”
July 1
Moose. 😐
July 4
HAPPY 34th BIRTHDAY, BLEBBZ!!!! You’ve been 34 (Thirty FOUR!!!!) for 12 hours and it’s only the start of the most FABULOUS year ever for you!!!! I’ll see you at 2:44 for presents. I’ll text again if I remember anything else. LOVE YOU, BIRTHDAY BOY!!!!
July 7
Aaahh! Fast Times is coming to Enfield and Buckland on July 30 and August 2!!!! I am so excited! I would be thrilled if you’d accompany me on one of my viewings.
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Why I ❤ rain: It inspires me with energy and drive to do Sue 4.0 stuff inside without feeling guilty.
July 8
Moose. 😐
July 9
Nichole and Dale just stopped by to visit — they were watching some bands down at the green. Thunder moon right now dude! I’mma go finish my grub.
July 13
Love your emoji usage! Have not viewed what you sent me, but I wanted to say goodnight before you pound the straw (if you haven’t already). Hopefully see you tomorrow, my little dumpling of love.
July 16
Quick question: is there anything you want/need at Dollar Tree? I’m heading there now because they inexplicably have a coupon for 10% off everything today only. I mean…! Does this day get Eddie Vedder? (Damn, that was a good one, Me!)
July 17
Dude I literally spent about 14 minutes writing the perfect text with the best emojis and it just disappeared. WTF?!! I’m beyond annoyed. So, my response to you is I’m very happy about Spongebob. I’m going to eat now.
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One of the things I texted last night, when I realized it (but now it’s old news and everyone has probably been talking about it) was that today is 7/17/17! I also commented that although it is pretty neat, to me 7 has always been a puh number. I will not write anything else, lest the Gods of Text decide to fuck me again.
July 23
Thank you for knowing I would say yes to the dress (…ing for the salad). That was a stretch, but hey
July 28
I’ve even heard of this Ron [Guidry] person! Abso abso love your intently listening face! It’s not a typo; I’ve decided “abso abso” is a pretty ok superlative option.
August 2
Blebbz Benedict! Great news on the Me front: the thing I was struggling with most (so far) with WordPress is now solved, thanks to Glenn! He stopped by and I was freaking, and he tinkered for awhile, and voila! It was right there in front of me; I just couldn’t see it. So yay! Now I’m continuing working on it and it’s a huge sense of relief (you know, for a minute). I was going to come over but now I’m too excited. I do have 2 travel bottles for you and I’ll try to get more if I do errands tomorrow. I hope your day has been stellar-tacular!
August 4
Wouldn’t it be cool if we could program a text tone in to the phone of you yelling “TRAIN!” really loud? That would rule. I cannot wait for tomorrow — I am so excited to spend another chuntastic exploratory day with my Blebbzazelle! Get some sleep there, buddy. It’s gonna be a time!
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But wait. Is it still shorts day or does it have to be jeans day?
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I’m sticking with shorts, I think. Right?
August 13
I’ve got nothing to report — just the same old. I’m pretty excited now though ’cause I’m watching the Teen Choice Awards and they’re fucking RULING!
August 14
Moose. 😐
August 16
Blebbzimbabwe! I’m so happy every day knowing you’re having such a kick-ass, much well-deserved time in the city by the bay-eeayay (whoa, whoa, whoaoowhoa)!
August 19
Blebzzalicious Boom-Boom!! (your stripper name) I got your postcard today — thank you! Your pics are beautiful! It looks so Zen and peaceful, especially Sluggy McSlugg, who is grateful for his new lease on life. Love you like a burned retina after looking at the eclipse without protective eyewear!
August 21
Happy Eclipse Day!!!! Bonnie Tyler is going to be singing her song on a cruise ship…WITH DNCE!!!! Also, in the “OK dude we get it, you’re obsessed with proper eye protection” department, they said today: if you put your hand on a hot stove, you pull it away (duh), but because the retina has no pain sensors, you won’t know that you’re doing damage. So you’re setting fire to your eyes but just don’t know it. And it has a name: solar retinopathy. You’re welcome. See you (with unfucked up vision) lates to the tates!
August 22
HUMPERDOO!!!!
August 23
NEW TAYTAY INFO!!!! Album called “Reputation” out Nov. 10 and new single being released Thursday night!!!!
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I have 5 words: Kettle Brand Maple Bacon POPCORN. Damn you, Ocean State.
August 24
Hmm. As an aside, do you realize there are 9 — NINE, I tell you — emojis for alcohol and not a one for, I don’t know, say, SODA or WATER or JUICE?! Harrumph. Well, that was an impromptu tangent, so luckily I have nothing else to add! Have a serene slumber, dear B, and I shall see your pretty little face in the morn.
August 25
Sha’up, Blebbz.
August 26
Repetition Alert: I LOVE YOU!!!!
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Oooh, y’all got me in a Maine kinda mood! Saco has an interesting backstory (as does every ME town) and was originally called Pepperellborough, but then people were all “Waahh, that’s too long to say!” so they changed it to Saco. What I find most intriguing is there is no restaurant I could find called “Saco’s Tacos,” which to me is a no-brainer. I think I’ve got a case of Maine Brain!
August 29
Just finished Preacher. Thoughts? It had its moments (and lines) but it couldn’t beat Porn Jesus from last week. I do like all the attention Herr Starr’s rectum has been receiving!
September 2
I dig your lazer beam pretzel rod sandwich pic, but might I inquire as to why and for what use? I’m voting for LinkedIn.
September 5
I’m still in the Maine zone, and it’s the best place ever to be! I haven’t started unpacking or looking yet, but where did you put the chips? P.S. There is no tooth emoji.
September 6
OMG Erika Jayne!! AND crazy Danielle Staub is back?! Whoa! Andarooni had quite the surprizez tonight (which made up for his lame-o boat guests).
September 8
Your emoji game is getting stronger! I’m not really sure about my tooth — I’m still going tomorrow but I’ve only taken pain meds once today, so…is it getting better? Will the pain come back? I’m in a quandilemma. Hemzz! Came closer than ever to calling the fuzz on crazy chick next door but they calmed down (that was between 7 & 8 so who knows what will happen tonight). I’ll probably maybe be over after the dentist tomorrow, so I will see you then, B-bop-aloo-bop!
September 9
It is done! Dentist dude and I agreed that it had to happen and if not now, I’d just be in pain until it was gone, so… I feel like the rules are different this time than with my wisdom teeth, or maybe I wasn’t paying enough attention last time? There are definitely rules about eating, drinking, resting, etc. that are different and a whole thing about my sinuses maybe getting a hole that he said might happen but he can fix it if it does? And I’m not allowed to (don’t laugh) blow my nose for 2 weeks and also “try not to sneeze!” Thank God there’s ice cream in the house because I’m only allowed to eat cold soft foods and nothing hot or chewable until it forms a blood clot (there’s bloody gauze stuffed in my mouth now). I’ll be in touch later and let you know more but right now I’m just gonna chill.
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Just writing to say hi and I hope you’re having a great night and eating lots of yummy pizza! I’m fine, medz in the body, bloody gauze lined up like used tampon warriors on the bathroom sink. (Scrapbook time!) Trying not to sneeze, lift heavy objects, use a straw, or play a musical instrument involving suction. Needless to say, blowjobs are out of the question. I’m pretty sure I should be fine to come over tomorrow usual time. If you feel like picking up some ice cream or something, I can’t say I would be opposed, but it’s not a big deal.
September 11
It’s the fucking principle of the thing. (Although more ice cream is not such a bad idea.) (Yeah, I’m lookin’ at you, creamy goodness. Why dontcha come a little closer?)
September 12
Also, what should I do with the cat? I was thinking locking her in rainbow room while they’re here? Did you see the video of the flamigoonz evacuating? Look it up — it is so cute!
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Oh, guess what Dollar Tree had today? My fucking white sunglasses!!!! Good things are on the horizon, B!
September 13
Did you go to Nathaniel’s Ice Rain [Nathan Hale School in town] tonight? You really should watch the back episodes of Odd Mom Out, especially considering you are low on shows (I figure you’ll tell me when you watch AHS). I’m not sure if I’m going to try The Deuce or not. Oh, I also ran in to Lolly Drug Dealer at the dollar store. I’ll have to reenact it for you tomorrow. This has been a rambling edition of Sue Texts. Back to you in the studio.
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It feels a little weird watching You’re the Worst and Broad City without you, though. Sigh! I will see your cute little face tomorrow, my sweet bottle rocket of love!
September 14
I will be coming by at a later time today, to be determined by [insert robot voice for no reason] whenever I feel like it.
September 17
Like Kelly-Fradet needs a fucking plane? “Look, up in the sky, it’s that lumber company everyone already knows exists spending way too much advertising money on a skimpy little plane pulling a banner! Whoa, makes me want to go buy lumber right now!” Egg roll to the ultramax. (If you didn’t see the plane fly overhead, then this text was meaningless to you.)
September 22
“By making people look up the word #dotard, Kim Jong Un has done more for American education than Betsy DeVos.”
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“Late texts are better than no texts.” — Confucius
September 23
I finished Better Things. I thought the episode was awesome! We’ll dissect later. Other than that, just sitting here wishing my neighbors would get carried away by a freak tornado and never return.
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I LOVE your callback to You’re the Worst! (It is a callback or merely a reference?) (“Don’t call it a callback — I been here for years!” We know, L.L. Calm down.) Love you more than rainbow sprinkles on coconut ice cream!
September 28
“…and do not take Trulicity if you are allergic to Trulicity.” — after naming all the side effects, they thought they should add that in, ’cause, you know, people. Hashbrownz egg rollz extravaganza.
September 29
I got to meet Chris Murphy!!!! It was kind of small and ended around 6. He spoke for a little while and then talked to people. I went up and tried not to fangirl out on him too bad (like that worked). AND HE HUGGED ME!!!! AND I got a picture with him!!!! I’ll give you more deets and show you the pic on Sunday. Yay! What a great day! P.S. I MET CHRIS MURPHY!!!!
September 30
Blebbzanamo Bay! (*high fours self at new moniker*) The Maine Intoxication has begun! I am stoked, psyched, and vroomed at our sudden yet all-signs-point-to-yes change of plans!
October 3
Just started AHS and had a OHMYGOD!!!! Are you kidding?!?! experience! I’ll text more later, but just had to express this.
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Why do they call them dentists? They don’t fix dents! How was your time at the toothiest, Blebbz? My day was a bit different than I thought — seems my shins aren’t happy with my recent walking for whatever reason (i.e., they hurt) so I skipped the track (might have to skip again tomorrow). Sigh! So instead I went outside and wrote, then went to get my blood test (fasted for 13 hours!), and naturally went to Ocean State and got a bunch of shit food to celebrate breaking said fast.
October 5
Adam! (WHOA!!!! Plot twist!) I dunno; too lazy to come up with another Blebbzalicious moniker. Today I got my harr did (thank you, Apple, for that emoji that can only be used once a month) and my shins felt a little better so I tracked it up! Check it — tonight is not only the Harvest Moon (officially at 11:40), but it’s also the year’s only full moon in ARIES (ME)!!!! Which apparently means a fuck of a lot of cool shit for everyone! Google full moon in Aries; I like the one on Nylon.com cuz it talks about how I (as an Aries) am.
October 13
Your band [the New York Yankees] is gonna ROCK the casbah and the cradle of love like a hurricane of ages tonight! Love you more than the monarch butterfly’s survival instinct to save the species!
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I’m in the middle of multitasking (does eating tasty treats count as a task?), but I wanted to say good night and I will see you tomorrow! I’m assuming you will text me and then we shall meet at the building that provided you with the fine education that had made you the man you are today. Love you intensely, traveling partner!
October 15
Weekend Update had its moments and Pink was fucking AWESOME (especially the second song, about her OTL Carey)!! The rest was pure rubbish. Rubbish, I tell ya.
October 17
How the fuck is Steely Dan coming to the Oakdale when they’re half dead?
October 18
Best buys today: fresh raw olives that I am learning how to “cure” (what’s wrong with them?!); and MYSTERY OREOS! If you guess the flavor, you can enter to win $50,000! I’m not sure what it is exactly, but I have guesses.
October 20
Just put some purpink in my hair and am waiting for it to do its magic as I ponder my outfit for tomorrow…leading to my now legendary question: can it be shorts day? Unfortch, I’m thinking no but I will go with whatever you decide. I’m so excited for your band to win tonight!! And I am PSYCHED about my first eBay sale!!!!
October 24
I’m watching DWTS now and Shania Twain is a guest judge (not to be confused with Mania Twain the manatee). I’m telling you, your girl had some major work done! I seriously did not even recognize her face at all. She pulled a Zellweger on us, I do believe. But why?! She’s so gorge, I just don’t get it.
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My doc visit went well! I stopped by the mall too because I mean, it was right there…what’s a girl to do? Then did my groceries and basically got whipped around and soaking wet all day. There were some cute anecdotes along the way that I’ll tell you whenevz! Did you ever give me those coupons you printed out for me? That’s about it for now, good buddy.
October 25
And ohmygod there’s going to be a David S. Pumpkins animated special on Saturday!!!! DYING!!!! Hoo boy what a day!
October 26
I did get very mushy feet today but I toughed it out. I never thought I would say this, but I had a very good Wordpress day! Talked to Amy, texted with Nichole. Can’t wait for our TV fiesta and ICE CREAM! Boom what?! (Liv & Maddie)
October 30
Whoa! Walking Dead was SO GOOD!!!! And can I just say again how much I LOVE Ezekiel! It just intensified tonight — “And yet I smile.” Dude he rules! The whole episode was amaze, as always! My rainy day was spent pressing the word until Frustrated Sue gnarled her way out of me, and I was like, “OK, relax, version of me I don’t like. Jeez!” So I chilled by tanning and listening to Tyler & Korey and now I’m Deading it with Hardwick. That wind is fucking insane right now! Happy that your day/night is groovin’ on a Sunday afternoon… lalala… Love you mega mondo danktastically!
October 31
I pressed the word hard and nonstop all day and managed to not get as frustrated as yesterday! Dingin’ that bell! Took small breaks to stretch and do some exercises I looked up, but I think they knead a little more time. I have to do a few errands tomorrow but I’m going to have to wait before tracking it up again. I had one more chocolate so far (smaller one & it made me swoon in orgasmic gusts). Next time we see one another we’ll spill tea and dish dirt on all these latest Hollywood scandals!
November 1
In baseball news, I had to look up what a “racist gesture” was — I heard the term on TV but they didn’t show it, so I figured it could only be a “Heil” salute. Turns out it was just someone putting pee in someone else’s Coke. Current status: 2 pairs of socks.
November 2
52 Days ’Til Christmas!!!!
November 3
Well, I was one week late — TayTay’s new song was released last night (not next Thursday). Hemzz! Listen when you want (if you haven’t already) and let me know your thoughts. Although I’m starting to think you have the right idea about listening to a record as a whole entity, and not the pieces first. Like, back in the day. Can’t wait for our Old School Listening Party!
November 6
I forgot to tell you I LOVE the lion picture you emailed me! Where did you find it?
November 7
Blebbzerling, Rod! (your new name since hosting last night’s revival of TZ) I did a buncha writing today and then used the treadmill really slothslow and so far, my knees are cooperating! It works really well so yay! I broke down and just turned the heat on to 58. Not sure if it will help but I was layered like a veggie burrito (more like BRRR!-ito!) and it wasn’t helping my brain work as well as it should. Oh look, Tobi is Blair Witching over there so I guess the heat is coming through! Going out into the world tomorrow to vote, etc. Last night was so bizarre; the more I think about everything from misplaced rabbit to possessed highway car to the eer-ena, I’m just like “What was that?!” Just more ‘member berries for our stockpile!
November 8
Did your friend Sam go to the Today show? There was a girl named Samantha that they pulled from the audience because she could sing so well and brought her to meet him [Sam Smith]. They acted like they didn’t know each other, but you never know! Coulda been a coincidence but weird. [I respond to confirm it was my friend.] OH MY GOD! That is CRAZY! Well, they both did a fantastic job of pretending they didn’t know each other! Oscars all around!
November 9
Looks like the answer to “Can it be parka day?” is a resounding YES for Friday! It won’t be snowing but our boogers will sure freeze! Love you lots, tater totz!
November 13
Thank God for the Internet. I haven’t been having the best WP day and I was waiting to turn on DWTS so I could fast forward and it WASN’T RECORDING!! And I was like IF I MISS JORDAN FISHER… But then! I turned to my trusty computer and diehard Jordan fans, and they had already posted it like 14 minutes later! The moral of the story is, don’t start yelling and cursing Cox Cable in your bedroom like a loon when you can breathe deeply and check Twitter. Back to the grind for now. Thank you for listening, B!
November 14
“Step aside from the computer and put your hands where I can see them,” said my Sanity. And I did.
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Froggin’ technology. … Froggin’ happened when I tried to type “frig,” fucked it up, a frog emoji appeared and I felt it was a gift from the gods and went with it.
November 15
Dude. Now I’m making dinner & watching Mr. Robot, then Riverdale. I ❤ Wednesdays but this has been emotionally exhausting so far.
November 20
Blebbztasia! Don’t have much from today that we can’t talk about tomorrow (I’ve got my notes)! Glenn stopped by, ran a couple errands, la la la. What time are we leaving tomorrow? Thank you for the provisions!
November 22
Blebbzalicious boogaloo! I emerged unscathed from the trenches of pre-holiday shopping chaos (actually, it wasn’t that bad).
November 23
Your beautiful words made my heart all aflutter, but your choice of emojis put me over the edge of *SWOON*! Oh, and guess what I just found out: Trader Joe’s & Whole Foods now have their own VEGAN WHIPPED CREAM!!! And Reddi-Wip! I am DYING over here, Blebbz! A great Thanksgiving, indeed. Happy Merci Day!
November 27
My beautiful Tree and I met today, connected immediately and she is now home where she belongs. She doesn’t have a name yet, but I’m working on it. Dude tonight I can’t eat anything past 12!! So now I have to rush and eat all my dinner AND sweets before then! And I can only drink clear liquids after that (fine) but only until 10am! And then I can’t drink ANYTHING until the procedure is over — which she told me should be at 3:30 (we have to be there by 1:15). So I am going to basically die of thirst at the endoscopy place tomorrow.
November 28
I made it through alive! And they didn’t find anything scary or wrong! So I don’t need another nonhuman object being jammed down my throat for 3 more years! Also stopped quickly at a semi-vegan bakery and Whole Foods — they had to recall their whipped cream because the nozzles weren’t working! So I was wondering if I could take you up on your offer — do you feel like helping me with my tree lights tonight or tomorrow night? If not, maybe Friday? Whatever works for you! Gonna keep drinking my seltzer and eating my whoopie pie (whaa?!) now.
November 29
Moose. 😐
November 30
And this is how you spell 🎄’s full name: Ms. Belle Ame Magique (the “a” in ame has a roof on it. Accent AGEEWWW indeed. So pretensh.)
December 1
Love you, my delicious muffin of joy!
December 11
Dude I don’t know how bad SNL was because MY DVR DIDN’T RECORD IT!!!! What the truck. Maine VI was so chunderful that words can do it no justice. How we manage to top the excellence of being together every time is beyond me (Look! It’s over there!). Hope you have sweet cookie butter-filled dreams tonight! (I have only eaten 1 doughtnut so far, cuz Imma make ’em last!)
December 13
Got my jelly belly done and ran a couple of errands. Question: do you have any small scissors? I’m pretty sure I have extras, but the more the merrier! And one final thought to leave you with: VEGAN HAAGEN DAZS! In my tummy as we speak.
December 17
Trying to get through my DVR shows and working on the WP stuff that can be done with half a soggy brain. Also, completely forgot that we’re losing all of our Jeops — 163 shows gone. This whole drawn-out hospice goodbye to my shows is getting sadder as the end draws near but my Vegan Treats are getting me through. That’s all I got for now, except could you choo me tomorrow around 9ish? The euthanizer/mortician is coming between 10–12. Oh, and YESTERDAY RULED!!!!
December 18
They just called and said they can’t make it today; had to reschedule for tomorrow between 3–5. Oh Well! At least my room is vacuumed now! <— Hey look! It’s Brightside McGee!
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Blebbzsicle! (Is she going for an icle of the moving variety with wheels, or an icle that’s chilled & yummy? Hmm…) I was right about to text you when I realized/membered it was Moore night & ya wanna know how I knew? I looked at your IG (finally) to see Santa & realized you were hashbrownzing it up at EB’s! Weird. I almost felt like I was in the middle of a bad millennial rom-com, discovering where you were through sowsh-meedz. Gonna head downstairs and fire up the salad. *hee hee* Tell Moore I said what Frosty says when he means Merry Christmas!
December 19
DUUUDE!!!! They just rescheduled for Thursday 1–3. This DRAWN-OUT DEATH IS TAKING TOO LONG!!!!
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Tyler, to his mom on the podcast: “Do you like La Croix?” “No, it’s horrible!” Ear-splitting collective gasp from Sue, Tyler, & Korey.
December 22
I have been texting with Nichole (about same ‘ole) and my emoji game was sizzling, if I do say so myself (which I just did). Also, caught the end of Charlie B. tonight (’cause it was on the live telly) and still cried at Linus’s words of wisdom. Damn he gets me every time.
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Boise Idaho it’s a Christcacophony of traffic & cars out here! … I mean, did REO Speedwagon really need to try to re-relevantize themselves with a Christmas album in 2017? Just got home & made it through alive & merry! Putting shit away now.
December 23
Howdy B! (No semi-rhyming relation to Cardi B) (Tried to think of witty things to say bout her vast lyrical talent but my brain opted out)
December 25
MERRY FROGGIN’ CHRISTMAS RIGHT BACK ATCHA, BLEBBZ!!!! WHOO HOO!!!!
December 27
Hello B! Figured I’d text atcha while waiting for the bathroom to heat up via hand crank & pulleys (AKA the portable heater). The goal is to take a shower and not emerge as an icicle. OTT, stayed inside again WPing all day, except for a brief stint outside trying to get the ice off my car, which had collected in the weirdest spots. I broke my scraper in the process. The plan is to head out tomorrow to see what’s shaking at the sales shacks, but I might opt out.
December 30
Tomorrow we shall ring in 2018 as we watch AC squared possibly freeze to death, and there is no one I’d rather spend it with than you!
December 31
Happy New Year, Blebbz! What a perfect evening. And what a memorable and hysterical start to what’s going to be the Dong Diggity Dong of all years! Ah jeez Blebbz are you sure? *belch!* Sure am, Blebbz!