CFP Live Blog (Hey Bulldog)

7:56 – Beat the clock by four minutes after racing to put laundry in the dryer, peel some hard-boiled eggs, shower, and get dinner ready (leftover vegan jambalaya and a salad, which contains my new game-changing ingredient: mint)! Oh yeah: “What’s this all about?” you may be thinking. It’s been fifteen years since I live blogged the college basketball national championship game, so tonight the football championship (hereafter CFP) gets the honors. I hate watching without Moore, my best bud/college football viewing cohort, but if it takes writing to stay more engaged, write I will.

8:01 – The pregame is powered by AT&T’s 5G. Might as well power it with the Moderna vaccine 5G, am I right? *crickets* *“Lost without Buddy Holly, huh?” I ask the crickets, which unfortunately triples their number*

8:02 – Ask my buddy Rick if he’s watching. “The 76ers game? Yes, yes I am. Why? What other game could possibly be more important to watch than a 76ers game where they are favored by 11?!?!” I attempt to “sway” him by disclosing that the CFP is being played in Indianapolis. “I drove 24 hours from Denver to Jersey to avoid stopping and staying overnight in Indy.” “Couldn’t even do one lap in Circle City?” “Fuck no.” Rick 1, Circle City 0.

8:07 – Natalie Grant sings the national anthem. NINE-time Grammy winner?! Would’ve preferred a duet with Natalie Merchant and Amy Grant. Or just a mash-up of “Wonder” and “Heart in Motion” by DJ Khaled. Anothaaa one? Oh yes, kind sir, please give us another one. Such a rarity.

8:12 – ESPN using MXC-style video game graphics to convey how dominant Nick Saban (Alabama’s head coach) has been against his former underling Kirby Smart (Georgia’s head coach). Crash Bamacoot would’ve been a great parody option, but I guess Disney’s waiting for it to hit the public domain.

8:16 – Kirk Herbstreit claims he’s never felt the energy he’s feeling in this building tonight. I bet Rick retroactively wishes he stopped in Indy, widely known power source for Red Bull, Monster, Rockstar, et. al.

8:19 – The camera operators all missed Georgia recovering the football, leading to an awkward cut showing a Bulldog taking the ball to the house! What the hell just happened? First video review of the game, which means this fucker ain’t ending before midnight.

8:21 – Officials overturn the call, and the boos are loud. People from the Peach State clearly dislike fake turnovers more than voting rights.

8:26 – I’m already convinced that Alabama is going to win by a ton but then they have to settle for a field goal. Nobody should ever trust my big game predictions.

8:30 – Rick messages me about hitting the over on Rozier and taking things from “Ludwig’s plays.” Who knew Beethoven was gonna factor into our commentary? I ask what he’s talking about, and he claims he’s sent me information intended for another recipient. Is there no chat etiquette or rule for what you do after this exact mistake occurs? How about a photo of the intended skimmer?

8:33 – Alabama was penalized for “disconcerting signals,” the most oddly named penalty in football and possibly the name of a future Radiohead song.

8:36 – R.I.P. Robert Durst. I’m no serial killer obsessive, but the HBO docuseries about the man endeared him to me. By the time he admitted he’d killed his victims, I was like a proud parent: “You tell ‘em, Bobby! Nobody’s got shit on you, baby!” Gonna pour out a pint of blood in his honor. Whose blood? Can’t say. Okay, fine, it’s the Halloween-themed bottle of A.1. Steak Sauce. That expired in 2007.

8:39 – It’s thrilling not seeing Tom “King of Schmaltz” Rinaldi on the sideline for a title game. We’d probably get some sappy piece about how one of UGa’s (Georgia’s perpetually drooling bulldog mascot) offspring died moments after puppybirth only for an Alabama man to offer to taxidermy the otherwise discarded pup gratis. Okay, that was admittedly a stretch. That’s what the taxidermist said.

8:46 – It’s 3-0, for the record. Live blogging is ruining the pace of my dinner consumption.

8:50 – As Rick asked recently, “Did State Farm blackwash Jake?” Hard to deny a former white actor grew darker. Just wait until they transwash…her?

8:52 – Moore calls and bemoans how the game isn’t on network TV, one of the major downsides of life in prison for a college football nut, but also a bemoaning heard in both 2020 and 2021. “It’s hard to believe the Rose Bowl agreed to be shown on cable. What’s on ABC on New Year’s Day?” “This year was Trolls: World Tour.” A discussion ensues regarding Zendaya’s career as a fashion icon, Alessia Cara’s constant appearances on daytime television, and an idea posited by my buddy Drooq earlier in the day (name the snippet of a piece of music that your brain finds more aurally pleasing than anything else/the infinitely cathartic and joyful drum fill that begins at the 0:50 mark of “Loving Cup” was my choice whereas Drooq picked the second chorus on Nine Inch Nails’ “The Fragile” and Moore opted for Taylor Swift hitting a high note on “State of Grace”).

8:57 – Georgia gains about forty yards on a pass, which is the one thing during our call I interrupt to tell him about. “Go Dawgs!” the jaded one fires back.

9:08 – Do we need a Taco Bell commercial about saucing etiquette? Two sober young people running for the border during the afternoon is the real story here.

9:10 – Bama gains about forty yards on a pass, prompting a telegram to Moore: “3-3. Stop. Best advice to see a game on cable? Stop. Don’t go to prison! Regards. Queen Poppy. Stoppy.”

9:16 – Bama’s field goal gives them back the lead, but I’m more interested to learn that Beyond’s vegan nuggets debuted at KFC today! I remember once watching videos of the Colonel out in the bean patch prepping the secret recipe.

9:20 – Nothing like the officials involving themselves in countless plays of the year’s biggest game. Refs 9, Bama 6, UGa 3, Dinner 0.

9:25 – Took a piss break and missed the biggest play of the game thus far. Did I rush to rewind the DVR? No! I tried to figure out how long the Commonwealth’s poultry dealer considers a “limited time” as regards the sale of imposter chicken. I still don’t know.

9:31 – Discussion on the telecast of Will Anderson, Jr.’s five older sisters. No photos of this fearsome player in a bedazzled blouse or with his toenails painted? What’s the point of a sideline anecdote if it’s not woke?

9:34 – No commentary for at least five seconds? That’s when the network turns on the smart camera in your TV and tests the 5G “vibes.”

9:37 – Fifth field goal of the half! UGa down 6-9. Giggity. Indianapolis: Where Touchdowns Go to Die! Rick 1, Circle City 1, Touchdowns 0.

9:39 – My mother confirms that the Springfield, Mass., location has Beyond chicken (believe it’s chik’n per The Vegan Dictionary) in the house. The high local temperature tomorrow will be twelve degrees, but even that frigid fact may not deter me from obtaining a bucket of deep-fried fermented soy curd.

9:44 – Rick weighs in with a near-halftime prediction: “27-13 Bama. Maybe 34-16 or 34-20.” The numbers he’s including? The age range at which incestuous intercourse should be legalized in The Heart of Dixie.

9:49 – It’s halftime, which means I need to remove laundry from the dryer, clean up (just finished my now arctic dinner), and rescue something sweet from becoming stale. I extracted laundry during halftime of my last live blogged game too! What does it mean? Oswald acted alone.

10:11 – Returned to the laptop to learn that a Katy Perry video aired during the break. I instead puffed some perfectly permissible plants, made a cup of hibiscus tea, and cut a slice of Dutch apple pie topped with chocolate whipped cream. ESPN shows Indy being observed by a 5G drone cam outside of Lucas Oil Stadium. Rick 2, Circle City 1.

10:13 – Rick claims the Katy Perry video may give him nightmares. “Babycakes, you’re a firework,” I tell him. “You’ll be fine.” His response? “Fuck off.”

10:15 – Georgia’s QB is named Stetson Bennett, which sounds like a Carnac the Magnificent entry. Stetson Bennett. What Bennett’s spouse said to her husband after he asked if he was forgetting anything prior to leaving the ranch?

10:18 – Back to commercial following a Georgia punt. I look forward to discussions of field position, adjustments, and experience as this game plods along.

10:21 – Holly Rowe’s sideline report about Alabama’s inexperienced receivers—after their top, uh, cat went down with an injury—couldn’t be timelier as UGa immediately intercepts an errant throw.

10:25 – How could it be a televised major national collegiate event without Dean Winters in an Allstate commercial?

10:27 – Proud of myself for remembering to nuke the pie for twenty seconds. Immediately after Kirk Herbstreit says the offenses are being too careful, Bama busts a fifteen-plus-yard run.

10:30 – Rick suggests that Winters is a whitewashing used to offset Jake from State Farm. What other ongoing and pointless culture war battles does he have documented that the rest of us aren’t hip to?

10:32 – Alabama’s top receiver, Jameson Williams, returns to the sideline with several apples inside the pocket of his hoodie. I’m not sure that they are apples, but without the identity of the round balls in his pocket revealed, I think it’s the safest assumption. Nothing like a ripe January apple from Indy, right? That's why it's called Occam's Apple. Rick 2, Circle City 2.

10:36 – Bama is inside of Georgia territory. They should be up more than three. It cracks me up to think that my incarcerated best friend, a man who can watch TV and movies, listen to music on headphones, read the news on his tablet, work in the library, and play Dungeons & Dragons during his daily recess, is so bitter than he can’t watch this piece of shit game.

10:41 – Blocked field goal! The team that scores the first touchdown is winning this bitch.

10:44 – Georgia’s running back, Cook, hauls ass for almost seventy yards down the sideline! Let’s see a TD here, dammit. Let the last quarter of the year’s final game have some big plays and plenty of scoring.

10:47 – A man named Zeus has scored the evening’s first six-point play. “Georgia on My Mind” vs. “Sweet Home Alabama,” which I called “Sweet Home Mississippi” earlier today after Sue mistakenly referred to “Tuesday’s Gone” as “Tuesday Morning.” I, too, need an aspirin.

10:48 – Jokingly send “Game” to Rick to indicate that I’m calling it over, UGa wins. We have a longstanding joke about calling games well before they’re finished.

10:51 – ESPN gives us a “look at his left hand,” which is doubling as a zoom in on Bryce Young’s crotch. Yes, that is the cock of a Heisman Trophy winner, ladies & germs. We finally get the Bob’s Burgers movie trailer that Chris Fowler has hyped on multiple occasions tonight. Will this well-done patty-themed gooftastic sillyfest unite America? Yes, yes it won’t.

10:54 – The blimp view of the stadium façade suggests a comically small parking lot. Is Indianapolis a logistically inept locale? Can I be bothered to research the topic? Rick 3, Circle City 2.

10:58 – Bama squanders a chance for a TD and settles for a 13-12 deficit. I’m no lip reader, but I just saw one student-athlete shout, “COME THE FUCK ON” before adding “MY CHEST” a moment later. Can our youth be saved? Don't ask Zendaya.

11:04 – Cut to Alabama’s cheerleaders smiling in sparkly bras. Then a critical turnover is called by the referee, yielding an extended replay review…of the bras’ resplendency. Sure looks like a fumble (non-wardrobe malfunction division).

11:08 – Stetson Bennett looks like he just swallowed some chewing tobacco after the call was upheld.

11:11 – View from the AT&T 5G pylon cam for any of those curious about the ground floor 5G takeover. 

11:13 – Despite two men in his face, Young completes a pass to a wide-open receiver for an 18-13 lead (two-pointer failed). Had to wait three hours but here’s the part that was worth all the friends we made along the way. Friends 1, Acquaintances 0.

11:17 – Bennett completes a pass to get things rolling. On the next play, a blatant pass interference saves Bama from potentially giving up the lead. I love that it’s not a spot of foul penalty no matter how intentional the penalty is.  Verbiage for my policy wonks.

11:20 – “You don’t see many triple bobble catches, do ya?” Chris Fowler asks. I was thinking the same thing aka I could do Chris Fowler’s job in my somnambulance.

11:21 – Forty-yard TD pass to retake the lead! Yelled out “HOLY FUCK!” to nobody but the stuffed animals keeping me company. This is what I get for having a cat.

11:22 – 19-18: Great year or great movie or great score or all three? Unaware that a film exists, I share this with Rick.

11:25 – “1918 was not a great year,” Rick offers. “Spanish flu.” “So not a great year for the Spanish?” I reply. 

11:27 – Bama’s gonna have to punt following a deflected pass. Another touchdown won’t seal it unless UGa goes for two, meaning this thing’s going down to the wire. Dean Winters just caused a black man to get into an accident in an Allstate commercial. Submitted for your consideration, fellow rural jurors.

11:32 – Get into a mock argument with Rick where I tell him, “I’m sick & tired of your shit, bitch!” Then try to nickname a touchdown a teeder. Neither is taken seriously. This is what I get for being myself.

11:35 – Nick Saban’s irate on the Bama sideline, always a fun episode to witness. A seventy-year-old man that upset in most other settings would have me forcing him into a home (not a retirement one, but a stranger’s so he got arrested).

11:37 – Can’t resist any longer and send Rick a photo of Hawk and Animal from the Legion of Doom. UGa fans wear the shoulder pads that the wrestling duo made famous—red with black spikes—and I’m a bit disappointed that neither of us has referenced it yet tonight.

11:39 – ANOTHER GEORGIA TOUCHDOWN! Dawgz are up 26-18 with 3:33 to go. Stetson Bennett reacts with far less emotion than one would expect. Perhaps the ghost of Bobby Durst lingers.

11:42 – Allstate has been a sponsor since 2005, confirming seventeen years of Dean Winterswashing of the collegiate football-viewing populace. The man will be cancelled with a partial refund (fast food ads for the comeback, I assume) soon enough, friends.

11:44 – First down achieved by Bama on “a critical third down play.” Followed by a second consecutive first down. This is it/time is ticking.

11:46 – Brooks damn near makes a one-handed catch! My true fan colors show during the final two minutes of the season.

11:47 – GEORGIA PICK SIX! What a way to seal a title game. Cameras cut to sad-looking, tiara-sporting Bama fans. Genders withheld to protect their identities.

11:49 – Stetson Bennett is crying tears of joy on the sideline. Herbstreit tells us how a movie could be made about his life, which *cue the slideshow*. Who knew that Meryl Streep was his biological mother?! And is that…goodness gracious…DANIEL DAY-LEWIS-BENNETT as his father?! Milkshake party!

11:52 – It’s always about gambling, isn’t it? “Awful ending,” Rick tells me. “Gonna have to do lots of driving this week now. 12 hour days next 6 days! Wild. Ruins my month lol” Do I even have to say it? Rick 3, Circle City 3. When choosing between friends and midwestern metropolises (metropoli?), it’s a push.

11:53 – “Hey Bulldog” got discussed in unrelated conversation about twelve hours ago when dissecting the Beatles-esque sound of Sam Phillips’s excellent album Martinis & Bikinis. How fitting. First Bulldogs title in forty-one years.

11:56 – 33-18, 00:28 to go, 3rd & 28. Numerologists, take note.

11:58 – Two minutes to midnight. Maiden Georgia.

12:00 – A piece of confetti from the venue ceiling has landed right between Holly Rowe’s tits while she interviews Stetson Bennett. Only in Indy: ESPN After Dark. Circle City 4, Rick 3.

See y’all in fifteen years. Stop.