Indy 500 Live Blog (Drivin’ for Dairy)

12:14 – Fresh off my weekly grocery shopping, it’s time to settle in for the second act of the Memorial Day weekend Holy Trinity of Wheels, the Indianapolis 500. It’s my best bud Moore’s favorite day of the year as he uses his prison-issued Wi-Fi-enabled tablet to email me live blogs of the races in Monaco, Circle City, and Charlotte. Always up for live blogging a major sporting event, I’m joining him while eagerly anticipating the winner’s milk bath hours from now.

12:17 – Bought a venti Starbucks Black coffee last night so I could chill it for consumption today. It’s accompanied by an oregano-doused slice of vegan chik’n parm pizza, the belligerent ceiling fan in my den, and a note to self to grab an enema from the basement shelf housing a half dozen. No comment. I used to watch this event annually in my teens and early twenties, but this is my first viewing in many a moon pie. Someday Moore and I will attend it together as I get to the bottom of how people plant gardens in yards full of bricks. “Oh, fuck me, is this how this is gonna go?” Maybe.

12:19 – Nice to see a guy listening to his voicemail as the crowd prays together! Early atheist sighting is a good omen, never mind the ample high cheekbones and chic outfits adorning the racer’s consequential others. (I believe it’s now impolite to call them significant, but what do I know, I only stayed at a Days Inn in Shrewsbury, Massachusetts, last weekend.)

12:22 – Who decided that an opera singer needed to warble through “America the Beautiful” today? Microphone? More like a yikesrophone!

12:25 – It occurs to me that this is my third live blog: the 2022 college football title game and last December’s World Cup finale in Qatar. Unless a major event’s in Indiana or Qatar, consider me uninterested.

12:26 – America’s best-selling modern-day poet, Jewel, is here with red hair to sing the national(ist) anthem. Can you believe she’s using one of her bicuspids as the guitar pick? Her choker’s bigger than my current ball gag. A group of people in red shirts are waving the flag in the infield, four jets fly overhead, and I’m pouring a half gallon of red, white, and blue oat milk out in jingoism’s honor.

12:35 – Had to grab a second slice of pie and cover it with bush basil. A dark-skinned man bought it at the nursery where Sue works this week and said, “In my country, we put it on everything,” which was reason enough for her to get me two containers of this Greek ambrosia along with Thai basil, the world’s best smell, to accompany it. Next major event live blog? The Athens (Indiana) Basil Sniff-Off!

12:38 – Jim Cornelison singing “Back Home in Indiana” sounds like a clean-sounding 78 is playing. Did this guy walk in from 1919? “If that doesn’t get you going, nothing will,” we’re told. Clearly, the collective NBC announcing team has never had a thumb in its asshole!

12:40 – Roger Penske commands the drivers to initiate their instruments. After this ad about Middletown, Connecticut’s, upcoming Pride Fest, I’m gonna turn off the race, put Post Malone’s “Circles” on a three-hour loop, and claim I watched the open-wheeled milk chase.

12:45 – Interview with Brazil’s Tony Kanaan before a flash to the track map. Imagine if they turned this into a biathlon-style event and as soon as the race ended, these guys all played eighteen holes on the property’s golf course?

12:47 – Good on Indy for still allowing fans to bring in booze in plastic containers. That alone puts this event in my good graces and I’m a teetotaler. White Russians for everyone!

12:48 – The Greatest Spectacle in Racing has begun! I’m rooting for Boise’s Sting Ray Robb, a man born eight days before 9/11. What would be more patriotic than his victory? Dutchman Rinus VeeKay has just passed to take the lead! As is tradition, he will receive a bronze milk crate for earning the first lead pass.

12:51 – Are the announcers going to address that tonight is the series finale of Barry? Maybe we’ll get a crossover episode where he takes out some tires with a sniper rifle to commence our first caution.

12:53 – Stefan Wilson is back on the track after a battery issue minutes prior to the start. Someone somewhere is blaming Elon Musk for this, and I support that logic.

12:54 – “What this becomes is a game of chicken. The driver out front, at some point, has to fall back.” “They’re so close but nobody wants to make a move.” It’s lap ten and it sure sounds like it’s time to let my semi-hard hog free from my shorts as the commentary becomes increasingly lewder. Geez, would you look at that? Accompanying the Goodyear blimp is a Goodyear pimp. Someone tell him not to slap the blimp too hard. These dirigibles ain’t loyal.

12:57 – The overhead shots are most welcome, my favorite views thus far. Who’s behind the wheel of the Louis Pasteur car?

12:59 – Álex Palou retakes the lead in the Clockwork Orange car. Yes, every milk joke imaginable will be uddered today. See yourself out, thank you.

1:00 – Dig the recurring shots of the multi-colored flowers by the wall at the fourth turn, as they are a lovely touch. Can’t quite determine their genus though. One-tenth of the race is complete as Flo picks an apple off a tree in the name of Progressive during a split screen ad break. When is Progressive going to give us a socialist transgender spokesqueer? Be your name, bitch!

1:04 – How many racers have already pissed their suits? Michael Block just hit a three-iron on the Speedway’s fourth hole and drilled a second consecutive Sunday hole-in-one! “He dunked the ball in the cup like an Oreo in a glass of Hood!”

1:08 – Santino Ferrucci’s all-American car looks sharp. Is that a “Back the Blue” bumper sticker slapped on his Let’s Go Brandon (No Homo) rear fender?!

1:10 – VeeKay is making a pit stop, ceding the lead to Sweden’s Felix Rosenqvist, who immediately cedes it to Alexander Rossi in the seven car. WHAT’S IN THE (TOOL)BOX?!

1:12 – Nine of the top ten head to pit row as Denmark’s Christian Lundgaard takes the lead in the MAGA (#45) car, but quickly heads to the pits as Palou reclaims the lead. Most exciting sequence thus far, including the near wipeout, smoking tires, and reference to the opening part of the race as a “stanza.” Your move, Amanda Gorman.

1:15 – While I’ll never watch the movie, I’m happy that Brie Larson joined the Fast movie franchise (or is it the Furious franchise?). I was even happier to see the plunging neckline on the black dress she wore to the Italian premiere.

1:18 – Three hundred thousand people are at this event. Strictly by attendance, this is literally the single biggest sporting event in the world. Odd Indiana factoid: it was the last American state to end its alcohol blue laws and allow people to purchase wife-beater juice on the lord’s day. Talk about fast and furious, am I right?

1:20 – Nearly a quarter of the way through this spectacle of steering! Palou retakes the lead from VeeKay on lap 48. Jewel just composed a quatrain to honor the opening quarter:

Look at the wheels spinning
As these men chase milk
I can only hope the guy winning
Likes the vegan brand Silk

1:24 – Another ad for PODS. Are racing viewers known for being nomadic? We’ll know for sure when the inevitable WITSEC ad airs at the halfway point.

1:25 – Ed Sheeran is performing live at the IndyCar race in Iowa in July. Given he looks as pallid as a glass of skim, this makes perfect sense. Danica Patrick is sporting a bubblegum pink suit sitting between Mike Tirico and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Odd promotional campaign for the upcoming Barbie movie or material for a parody porn to be uploaded to xHamster this evening?

1:28 – TireRack.com ad features a man in Coke bottle glasses wearing overalls using the phrase “grinds my gears”! Peter Griffin sighting at the Indy Half Thousand!

1:30 – Trying to find a movie on my hard drive to watch this evening and the race reminded me of the car chase in Bullitt, as well as the Jacqueline Bisset breastfeeding scene. What?! Just kidding, probably will watch The Last of Sheila, since it’s a whodunit featuring a death by hit-and-run.

1:33 – I wish the in-car view could begin to approximate how terrifying it must be to drive one of these cars in 100-degree-plus conditions while going at speeds one should only approach to escape the law and/or get to a hospital. Pato O’Ward has taken the lead, the world’s best Mexican-Irish driver, a guy who likes a slice of tres leches cake with a glass of Scaitlin. No, you look it up!

1:36 – Momentary leader Colton Herta heads to the pits while a thrilling pass occurs further back. Katherine Legge, this year’s token lady racer, is out of the mix. Luckily, she is lactose intolerant, which can no longer be celebrated since it is a form of intolerance. D.W. Griffith wins again. I’ll go fuck myself now.

1:40 – Renewable race fuel is reducing emissions by sixty percent during races? I haven’t seen a single DeLorean on the track yet.

1:42 – Ferrucci with a “power move” pass as we hear a comparison to Peloton cycling to metaphorically explain the asphalt adventures taking place. Just learned that Ferrucci is from Connecticut; driver backstories are rather inexplicable, innit?

1:44 – Rosenqvist is driving so fast that he’s nearly shredding his tires. Isn’t this to be expected? Nutmeg hero Ferrucci with a pass to take third! This guy’s responsible for the bulk of the excitement today. His father, Godwin Cuthbertson, was born in Italy. Weird. Also a lie.

1:47 – R.C. Enerson’s #50 car is being pushed up pit row. Why abbreviate your first and middle name if they’re Race and Car?

1:49 – On the next episode of America’s Got Talent, today’s winner will hit a sand wedge as he takes a hairpin turn. First mention of the perfectly named Will Power, something I hope he lacks should he earn a reunion with a gallon of heifer titty drank.

1:52 – Wild back-to-back passes from the in-camera perspective! Yes! Eight laps from the halfway point and that was the high point thus far. And right on cue, first wreck of the day! Single-car slam into the wall. The track is going to be swept, which we’re told ensures three cars wide on the restart. Fuck Astroglide, I need wiper fluid!

1:56 – Oh shit, a crash on pit row! Palou and VeeKay, the two dudes largely in control for the first half of this race, collide when exiting. Will a penalty be assessed? What’s Jewel thinking?

A collision in the pits is a kind of foolish game
As I recycle a song for these rhymes
Will these men fight later in honor’s name?
Don’t ask me, being arrested for poetic crimes

2:01 – Man, a third of the top of both my feet got sunburned at the beach yesterday, but everywhere else on my body escaped the wrath of rays. As we piece together the fallout from the vehicular violence, an ad about how Jesus “gets us” airs. Gets us what? Probably hemp milk, that dirty fucking jazz cabbage-smokin’ hippie.

2:03 – Now that HBO Max is just Max, what will Peacock counter with?

2:04 – A replay of Lundgaard nearly wiping out on pit row too. I wonder if Mike Tirico’s agent waited to tell him about covering this race until after he signed his NBC contract. 

2:06 – On lap 100 of 200 at the 500, per Tirico. May watch Zack Snyder’s 300 tonight instead. Twenty-eight cars are on the lead lap, they’re racing four wide, and excitement is at a hay fever pitch. Blame it on the pollen. (The rain and Lorraine exhale.)

2:08 – Tires touching is the wheel version of Eskimo brothers. Meanwhile, my pal Rick just sent me a link about a woman bringing a baby raccoon to a Maine Petco to have its nails trimmed only for it to be euthanized due to rabies fears. Time to blast Satchmo singing “What a Wonderful World.”

2:10 – The pit row interviewers love instigating drama. Nothing regular people fiercely hate like other drivers cutting them off. Ticks every box: empathy, blame, revenge, and suspense. Now the word “insane-o” has been used in advance of the latest restart. O’Ward’s in the lead and it feels like this could be a thrilling second half.

2:15 – NBC gives us Hot Wheels Ultimate Challenge on Tuesday! No explanation of what the fuck will be happening, but some niche group of dorks just collectively experienced an asshole tightening. Good for them. Kyle Kirkwood’s hot pink #27 car should have Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling’s faces on its sides. Now we’re seeing a left side grass pass! “I’ve only done that in a rental car,” Townsend Bell jokes. A man named after a nonexistent landmark? Respect.

2:19 – It’s 110 degrees on the track. Now there’s a reason to motorboat two glass bottles of two percent.

2:20 – Odd irony: there’s a fire truck at my neighbor’s house while the race is caution-free. I’ve raised a yellow flag on top of my chimney to honor the occasion.

2:23 – I’ve just learned that To Please a Lady, starring Clark Gable and Barbara Stanwyck, was shot at the speedway. Wonder if Gable smokes while he’s in the cockpit? Nothing like a precoital lung javelin when attempting to win a lady’s love!

2:27 – Cannot hear the phrase Chip Ganassi Racing without thinking of cookies. No big reveal here, but racing makes me hungry. Will I grab a slice of apple pie before the checkered flag? That’d be as American as Santino Ferrucci.

2:30 – Did I miss the mid-race concert by the Hoosier State’s own, John Cougar Menstrual Cramp? Little brick yard rides for you and me. Teammates just collided on pit row! “That is going to be an uncomfortable Monday morning meeting at Andretti Autosports,” we’re told. Or a great Survivor Series match in November if Vince McMahon’s watching.

2:31 – A special look at the forthcoming Indiana Jones movie, which is a bit on-the-nose given the race’s home state. The Dial of Destiny? That’s what they call your first call from prison, I believe, but refuse to ask Moore to confirm.

2:34 – Sixty laps to go as Tirico nods every few seconds as if he’s listening to Danica and Dale. (He seems to be fighting back laughter at something happening off camera. Being told it’s a half-and-half-centric reshot version of the Sean Penn vehicle about California’s first openly gay politician. I regret that joke, I swear.)

2:37 – Ad for Purdue University, but not Indiana University. Did they forget to ask IUPUI if they’d like to be involved? Best of both worlds like Hannah Montana had that collegiate crossover occurred.

2:39 – Lap 150 approaching, so you know what that means. Ms. Kilcher sez…

Three quarters complete like seventy-five cents
Is it clear yet that I don’t understand this shit?
Where’s Indiana’s favorite son, Mike Pence?
Probably hanging in a January 6th effigy bit!

2:41 – Wish they’d give us more views from various perspectives in the stands like they just did. The DHL car has shat out on turn two, yielding a caution and my first race bathroom break. I’m as stunned as you are. Remember when Arie Luyendyk won in 1997 and drank a carafe of bull semen on a dare?!

2:45 – An ambulance has joined the fire truck on my street. Will our first casualty of this year’s 500 be…my neighbor Carolyn?

2:48 – The “dentist” in this latest TireRack.com ad appears to have a lazy eye. Next week’s race is from the “streets of Detroit.” Can’t wait for the Michael Moore documentary about it.

2:49 – “Not a lot of families in that zone. Maybe some beginning,” is the commentary about the fan zone soundtracked by techno music and countless shirtless bros. Line of the day!

2:51 – Ferrucci with a pass from fifth to third! That’s my paisan. Nashville’s Josef Newgarden (Moore’s favorite IndyCar driver) has taken the lead, but Ferrucci makes another pass to second. Americans named Josef and Santino. Imagine FDR hearing this news during WW2?!

2:53 – Ferrucci has taken the lead! Car owner A.J. Foyt, all of eighty-eight years old, seems surprised but may have just soiled another Depend. Imagine if we did a Kentucky Derby/Indy 500 mash-up as pony slave races took place on the grass inside the track during the event?

2:57 – Per TripAdvisor, the number one attraction in Indiana is the Children’s Museum. There are more than one thousand different children on display across five floors! I believe this place is colloquially known as Epstein Inland.

3:00 – It’s five o’clock somewhere…over the Atlantic. Right rears are flirting with the wall. “Hey, gurl, you wanna taste some rubber?” “No, papi, give me the rawest, fastest friction you got.” May or may not make my first draft of auto racing erotic fan fiction.

3:02 – “I don’t know.” “WHAT DON’T YOU KNOW?!” Announcer back-and-forth about a tire crossing a line on pit row. The leaders are pitting like olives. Ferrucci avoids a loss of lap penalty. Fix is in, NBA style. Go Heat!  Referring to the on-course temperature only.

3:03 – Newgarden is “coming strong.” Peacock now officially Cock.

3:06 – Commercial from the Wisconsin Travel Bureau to remind us who’s cuttin’ the cheese in Madison during this mammal secretion madness. Every single time I watch racing I think of that Dane Cook joke about a spectator taking a tire to the face. Doesn’t make me laugh, but it’s topical, so…thank you for your service, Dane in real life.

3:09 – Hyphenated homey Ryan Hunter-Reay is in the lead! Sixteen laps remain as one car hits the wall, two collide, and a tire flies into the stands. I knew I shouldn’t have invoked Dane before this finished. Uncanny Man strikes again!

3:12 – Time for a Fuji apple as sirens howl in the distance here in town. Everything hits at once, or so they say. Good to see that Kyle Kirkwood is okay after his car overturned. The in-car camera view is horrifying as sparks fly like a Taylor Swift song.

3:15 – Speaking of…seeing Miss TayTay during a biblical flood last Saturday was the most surreal, absurd, and unforgettable concert of my life. Am I comparing being pelted by three inches of rain to flipping at 220 mph on national television? I think you know the answer all too well.

3:16 – Cars are in pit lane for this red flag. Time for piss number two.

3:19 – Cracked a can of Polar strawberry watermelon seltzer on my way back upstairs, startled Mo (the cat, not the lawn), and Harry asked, “Havin’ a beer?” No, ma’am. Time to write a limerick about mangoes during the delay.

3:21 – Cars are returning to the track and weaving more than female hair at a NAACP convention. Too soon? Huh?

3:24 – Teams were confused regarding whether to stop their cars or not. Zak Brown, who does not have a band, is in charge of the car currently in the lead. Missed opportunity to soundtrack this interview with “Homegrown.”

3:26 – “You know how badly your driver wants this?” was just, a, uh, “question” to another crew chief. You can’t ask for a better bathroom break if you’re attending this in person. How many bathrooms can possibly be at the venue for more than a quarter million people? Google says there are 160, which means it’s best to grab a Pennzoil-sponsored catheter at the merch booth.

3:30 – My new BFF, Ferrucci, is in eighth place. The Goodyear pimp has sent his “fine-iss bitch” in to give the pace car driver road head to promote the removal of Pea from The Cock. Now that is how you do self-promotion.

3:32 – Footage of Marcus Ericsson’s victory last year with “the white milk everywhere.” Then we see his wife, Iris, a lovely Greek lady who likely doesn’t smell as delicious as the basil I consumed earlier but makes up for it with her love of hoses.

3:37 – Shot of a lady in the stands adjusting her bra cups. I’ll admit it: NBC’s going too far with the self-promotion during this raceless lull.

3:40 – Nine laps to go and we’re about to go live! Overhead shot makes me think, What is the carbon footprint of this event (including attendees)?

3:41 – Newgarden immediately takes the lead on the restart! I just checked his wife’s Instagram and she referred to being a mother as “owning a human.” This woman certainly understands the power of milk.

3:42 – Oh shit! Two cars obliterated by a wall crash, including a silly crash into the crashee afterward. Yet another red flag. Son of a bitchgun, which is the Goodyear pimp’s favorite way to keep his ladies in line.

3:47 – D’Arby’s, we have the beets. Oh, sorry, I’m watching in VeganVision.

3:49 – Tirico, Danica, & DJ using peacock-branded silver paperweights to keep their reams from blowing in the wind. Next year? Dildos.

3:54 – One crew chief, Brad Goldberg, lost his dad when he was nine years old. Wonder if he ever found him?

3:56 – The cars are returning to the track. There are a plethora of beautiful trees on the adjacent golf course. Would kill for a drone shot of the course before this thing ends. It’s one of the ten highest-rated courses in Indiana!

3:58 – We learn that A.J. Foyt had a new pacemaker put in, was told not to have any more beer, and he proceeded to have a beer. What the fuck, Alister Jove Foyt?

3:59 – Are you fucking kidding me?! ANOTHER wreck, this one involving five cars, before we get through the beginning of the fresh lap. This has been a terrible ending to what was an otherwise brisk race. The announcers debate if there’s time for another red flag.

4:01 – Fuck you, here’s another red flag! “This is the race that doesn’t wanna end.” Don’t tell that to any Native Americans, okay?

4:04 – Promo for a romcom with Jennifer Lawrence in a bra. This is like crafting a joke only to recall that Rilke doesn’t rhyme with milk. You win this round, Big Dairy.

4:08 – Iris Ericsson has higher anxiety than a forgotten Mel Brooks flick. Let’s get this lady a Styrofoam container of spanakopita and Yanni in her headphones.

4:11 – Couldn’t have a better threesome at the front for this ending: Ericsson, Newgarden, and Ferrucci. The real upset? Ericsson is Swedish, not a Minnesotan.

4:13 – HERE WE GO! Ericsson is “unleashing the dragon,” which is Cock’s new slogan! Newgarden passes him like a kidney stone! His wife, in a rosé-colored dress, bends over in celebration. Giggity, indeed. He thanks his team over the radio as we’re told that his wife will “watch him drink the milk!” After tonight, she’s gonna make him drink more milk in nine months!

4:15 – Newgarden has gone into the crowd to celebrate! This was worth the wait. Holy shit! He is scaling the protective fencing like it’s a WWE cage match. Wow, talk about a celebration. Give this man a glass of opaque secretions posthaste! 

4:20 – Everyone in attendance is eating the traditional bowls of nuts that make milk! Cashews and almonds are spilling onto the asphalt and instantly melting.

4:22 – Newgarden picked whole milk for his celebration because he doesn’t believe in half measures. Roger Penske, who owns the track, conveniently owns the car that won. Newgarden is crying in his car. His Shell-themed suit makes him look like he’s a McDonald’s employee, the winner’s wreath is presented, and he guzzles the FDA-approved cow rape sauce while receiving a smooch from a chocolate lady in a tiara as he dons a massive ring commemorating his victory.

4:25 – Until next year, this glug’s for moo. Take us out, Jewel:

Moore’s favorite racer won the race
Did that rhyme seem like echolalia?
To Merriam-Webster goes your face
But Joe, only one sip of milk, ya failyuh?