The Third Person Man

On January 13th, 2009, or the day Rickey Henderson was voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame, I received an email from rickeyhendersonhof@gmail.com. If you’re a Major League Baseball fan, you should know two things about Rickey Henderson (“Rickey Henderthin” if you’re fond of mocking his lithp): He was the greatest base-stealer of all-time and he was The King of Speaking in the Third Person. The second best third person speaker alive is still roughly one billion mentions of himself—let’s be honest, women don’t indulge this oral pleasure—behind Rickey. My bud, Moore, was the (predictable) man behind the gag, which remains the funniest email I’ve ever opened, or at least the one I’ve saved for over a dozen years that still makes me cry-laugh when I re-read it once or twice per year. Adam hopes you like it.

AHF, It’s Rickey Henderson! Read Rickey Henderson’s Email, AHF!

Big AHF, 

This is Rickey Henderson writing to let you know that Rickey Henderson is now in the Baseball Hall of Fame. Rickey Henderson is sure you knew that Rickey Henderson is going to Cooperstown, but Rickey Henderson wants to personally let you know that Rickey Henderson is indeed a Hall of Famer. Rickey Henderson is honored to be in the Hall of Fame because even Abraham Lincoln and Jesus aren't in the Baseball Hall of Fame, which kind of means Rickey Henderson is better than both of them. Maybe Rickey should run for God in 2012, but no one could be Rickey Henderson's running mate, because no one could keep up with Rickey!

Rickey Henderson wants to thank Rickey's fans for supporting Rickey Henderson. Friends and fans have called Rickey all day to congratulate him, and Rickey has been on the phone for hours with other Hall of Famers. Rickey is a little mad, though, that Rickey's former manager, Billy Martin, hasn't called to say congratulations to Rickey! Rickey Henderson needs to get Billy Martin a car phone!

Here are some things Rickey wants you to know about Rickey Henderson that you might not already know about Rickey:

* Rickey Henderson once stole third base from first base, because Rickey Henderson was too fast for second base.

* Rickey Henderson stole the bases backwards once because Rickey was bored with running the bases forward.   

* Rickey Henderson had the trillionth base he stole framed in a solid gold frame, then autographed by Rickey Henderson. That’s one with a billion zeros at the end. Even Rickey would have been amazed at Rickey Henderson's base-stealing abilities, but nothing amazes Rickey Henderson.   

* Rickey Henderson has special running shoes endorsed by Rickey Henderson for use only by Rickey Henderson that help Rickey Henderson set records only Rickey Henderson can set!   

* Rickey Henderson once stole ten bases in a game but had to give seven of them back because there's no fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, or tenth base in baseball.    

* Rickey Henderson once got from third base to home in one second, but enough about Rickey Henderson's sex life, let’s talk about Rickey Henderson and baseball.   

* Rickey Henderson once managed Rickey Henderson's own minor league team, the Rickey Hendersonville Rickey Hendersons. Rickey Henderson fired the team because none of them were as good as Rickey Henderson!   

* Rickey Henderson keeps a mirror next to Rickey's desk with the quote "RICKEY HENDERSON: Because only Rickey Henderson can provide inspiration to Rickey Henderson" because, after all, only Rickey Henderson can provide inspiration to Rickey Henderson.   

* Rickey Henderson had his own TV show, Rickey and the Hendersons, but when Rickey realized Rickey Henderson couldn't be on TV and still steal bases, Rickey Henderson called Rickey's friend Harry to take his place, even though Harry was no Rickey Henderson and the Hendersons weren't really Rickey and the Hendersons without Rickey Henderson.   

* Rickey Henderson stole more bases than God, because God doesn't steal bases, but Rickey Henderson does, and Rickey Henderson has stolen a lot of bases.   

* Rickey Henderson is glad baseball is spelled with a b and not a v, because then Rickey Henderson would steal vases, and Rickey Henderson has no need to steal vases!

That's some serious Rickey Henderson, Adam Henderson-Friday! But Rickey Henderson isn't all about serious. In fact, Rickey Henderson wrote a knock-knock joke. Want to hear Rickey Henderson's joke? Of course you do!

     Knock, knock.    
     Rickey Henderson.    
     Rickey Henderson who?    
     What do you mean Rickey Henderson who?! It's RICKEY FUCKING HENDERSON!

Oh man, Rickey Henderson loves that joke.  Here's another:

     How many Rickey Hendersons does it take to steal a base?    
     What kind of dumb question is that?! There's only ONE Rickey Henderson and that’s Rickey Henderson!

Rickey Henderson writes comedy gold! Rickey Henderson has another for you:

     What do you call Rickey Henderson when he fucks Robin Yount's mother?    
     RICKEY MOTHERFUCKING HENDERSON! 

Rickey Henderson had some fans ask about Rickey Henderson's all-time baseball team. That’s easy:    

First Base: Rickey Henderson    
Second Base: Rickey Henderson    
Shortstop: Rickey Henderson    
Third Base: Rickey Henderson    
Left Field: Rickey Henderson    
Center Field: Rickey Henderson    
Right Field: Rickey Henderson    
Catcher: Rickey Henderson    
Pitcher: Rickey Henderson

Now Rickey Henderson knows what you're saying: "Rickey Henderson doesn't pitch" but Rickey Henderson doesn't need to pitch. Rickey Henderson is faster than a pitcher! Rickey Henderson can run the ball from the pitcher’s mound to home plate. Only Rickey Henderson can hit Rickey Henderson! And what if Rickey Henderson tried to steal on Rickey Henderson? Well, Rickey Henderson will always be as good as Rickey Henderson, maybe even better!

Rickey Henderson's agent told Rickey that he's going to the Hall of Fame with some gym rice. Rickey Henderson never had no rice at the gym, but Rickey Henderson hears gym rice has been waiting for fifteen years. Rickey Henderson doesn't want no fifteen-year-old rice! Rickey Henderson only eats what’s good for Rickey Henderson, and that ain't no old gym rice!

Rickey Henderson's gotta go play some tee ball with Rickey Henderson Junior. Rickey Henderson knows Rickey Junior wants to beat Rickey Henderson at baseball, but Rickey Henderson knows Rickey Henderson will never be beaten by Rickey Henderson Junior because Junior means not as good as Rickey Henderson, like Junior Mints are never as good as Mints, because they're not Rickey Henderson!

Rickey Henderson's gotta run, because that’s what Rickey Henderson does best, but Rickey wants to thank you for supporting Rickey Henderson along with the legions of other Rickey Henderson fans.

RICKEY HENDERSON

SEND THE MAIL, RICKEY!