Working for Wimbledon
I started a new job two weeks ago, a welcome change, but the monitor my boss shipped to me was lost by UPS, thereby creating an invitation to use my laptop in front of the TV for every 8:30-5 shift until the replacement arrived. Wimbledon was conveniently being telecast by ESPN each morning when I arose. My pal, Brock, is the only friend I’ve ever had who is equally obsessed with watching major tennis tournaments, which led to chatter during imperative breaks I took from training videos and group e-huddles. The two of us recently decided to attend this year’s U.S. Open together, planning to spend a day at the Billie Jean King Tennis Center trading barbs, so we began polishing our purposely boorish commentary in advance. Below are some choice highlights from the past fortnight.
Notes: We both despise Rafael Nadal (heretofore known as Asspicker), Novak Djokovic is known as Wayne (his classic “Is Wayne Brady Gonna Have to Djokovic?” Chappelle Show-influenced nickname), and we shat on Caroline Wozniacki for playing like a quitter in major tournaments throughout her career (even though we both always wanted her to win one of them).
Me: Berretini gets Covid, out of the tourney. Asspicker’s side of the draw.
Brock: Fuck off!
Me: Remember when Michael Jordan couldn’t play in the flu game b/c he tested positive & hadn’t gotten his flu shot? Just like when they wouldn’t let Magic play w/ AIDS!
Me: Ruud got bounced. Wayne/Ass final seemingly inevitable unless Titty [Stefanos Tsitsipas] can beat Ass. The classic T&A semi. Group meeting: Do we consider renaming Wayne…Djokovid? Or at least an alt-name?
Brock: Bad Tats [Karolína Plíšková] advances.
Me: Bad Tats defeated her countrywoman Equally Bad Tats [Tereza Martincová].
Brock: How much of Kyrgios’s crap do you think is contrived? Is he just crazy or is most of it for shock value?
Me: I dunno if he’s bipolar or just does it to fuck w/ opponents. Seems like these guys half-like him.
Brock: Nakashima has no chance of breaking Nick.
Me: He should insult Nick’s girlfriend just so we can see an arrest on a tennis court. Weird way for Nick to make her jealous right there. [He got massaged by a male masseuse on court.]
Brock: What do you think the Simona Halep excess boob flesh is doing right now? Watching her match?
Me: My mother texted me this today: “Nana called and I got stuck on the phone with her while tennis was on. Omg, you ain’t kidding about Asspicker. He picks his ass before every serve.”
Brock: A ginger named Jannik Sinner is Italian, natch.
Me: Of course. You remember the video game classic Super Jannik Bros. Him & his Italian brother Joachim.
Brock: A woman named Ons is predictably hideous. Looks kinda like Arantxa Sanchez-Vicario. Ons’ coach is…Isaam Jellali. Are we sure they aren’t gonna leave a bomb in the locker room once this is over?
Me: “Yes, I’m Isaam Jellali, but you can call me Terry.” “For what?” “Terrori…Terrence.”
Brock: Czech broad is a carpenter’s dream.
Me: Billboard head. Switched back to the bois. On serve 3-2 in fif.
Brock: Goffin looks like he would be a prick. Norrie would be the 4th British man to make the semis. 2 are easy. Any idea on the 3rd?
Me: Fuck, I cannot think of his name, but they used to mention him before Henman finally did it. Guy from the ‘70s. Roger something.
Brock: Clue: he was later in Duran Duran AND Queen, what a career!
Me: Roger Taylor!
Brock: In by a cunt hair!
Me: Rybakina getting run around by this Jean Tripplehorn-looking broad w/ a great rack. Simona [Halep] in straight sets feels like a no-brainer [against Rye Bikini or Nipplehorn].
Brock: Hope so. Tho I should be cheering for American, I guess.
Me: Come on, you don’t have to root for Americans! I’m rooting for Simona. I think Anisimova inherited Simona’s lost mammary lard.
Brock: That’s Woz on the coverage! Surprised she didn’t give up halfway through calling the match. Fritz broken on the first service game. This dipshit is gonna lose in 20 games.
Me: And his girlfriend removes her first of 18 clothing items in “Strip Game Loss.” I’m gonna keep Nick the Prick on unless Picker’s in serious trouble. Tales of the Prick & Pick.
Brock: Ass will definitely lose the first and then steamroll this fool.
Me: At this rate, we’re never gonna see Fritz’s girlfriend’s clit ring!
Brock: Taylor Furlong-Grenier [we decided he resembles actors Edward and Adrian, respectively] looks like the better player. Nadal has either pulled a vag muscle or has irritated his wound from his hysterectomy.
Me: Honey Nut Kyrgios [pronounced like the cereal] looks great right now.
Brock: Nadal is in the locker room. Def a vag muscle.
Me: Shouldn’t there be a better term for a tennis player? Like a tennitian or some shit? A tennisman?
Brock: I know u like Nick but I’m afraid this will make him ur def fav… (This is him as a youngster).
Me: Chubby fucker in a Wu-Tang shirt! #DidYouEverKnowThatYoureMyHero
Brock: Hate to hear this crowd cheer for this loser.
Me: Taylor Furlong-Grenier vs. Honey Nut Kyrgios would yield +/- 999.5 WAG [Wives And Girlfriends] shots over the course of the match. Ultimate mind game move: Kyrgios comes out for the semis in a straitjacket.
Brock: His girlfriend doesn’t do much for me. I don’t like the Barbie doll types.
Me: Nothing says sexy like an eating disorder, Brock. Think Fritz can even get 5 on him here?
Brock: 10-2.
Me: 10-4, good buddy.
Me: Have always loved these tracking shots of the players walking to the court at Wimbledon. How many times will we discuss the breasts of the tennitians at work today? Stay tuned, America.
Brock: That German woman has 2 kids.
Me: Should be careful that Ons’s people don’t steal them during a changeover to help build retaining walls in Tunis. Maria’s skirt is a gigantic washcloth, it seems. Ons’s cousin probably sold it to her at whatever a Tunisian farmers’ market is called. Ons’s coach looks like Jafar from Aladdin come to life.
Brock: Simona is first all-time in money earned (for white women).
Me: Lily from AT&T would need five Anisimova bras to play at the All EnglanDDD Club.
Brock: WTA dream: a Kazakh vs. ugly Tunisian in Wimby final.
Me: You almost want Sacha Baran Cohen to be the guest chair umpire.
Brock: That Patrick Montagalue [sic] mofo hasn’t won shit as a coach outside of Serena (does she even need a coach?).
Me: For looking like a guy who does cocaine, crashes luxury automobiles, & smokes a cigar while paying off the police.
Brock: U watch breakfast at Wimbledon?
Me: Nope.
Brock: Woz and JB have a tour of center court, was pretty cool. Not having strawberries and cream for breakfast?
Me: Strawberries & C.R.E.A.M. Will miss most of the women’s match. Headed out w/ Sue for the day. Will be watching tomorrow morning. Go Rybakina!
Brock: Sexist.
Me: Feel like Ons is gonna win in 3.
Brock: I think Rybakina is more skilled, but I worry about her nerves.
Me: Good point. Ons has seen her own cousins stoned to death for stealing prunes, she’s not gonna be phased by some 118 mph baseline blasts. That’s small potatoes, which is a phrase you shouldn’t say in front of Ons; her grandfather’s “business” was burned down after their yam harvest was lost to drought. (It was a hut.)
[The following commentary concerns the Gentlemen’s Singles Final between Wayne & The Honey Nut.]
Me: LFG! Have a currant & cream scone for the occasion. Kentucky Derby-level array of wide-brimmed hats on CentRE Court today.
Brock: U see the enormous linesman?
Me: Oh, there he is. Ate every banger in town this morning.
Brock: Novak is breathing hard. Rarely see that.
Me: This is what they told us would happen to the unvaccinated, Brock. Immune system shutting down before our eyes. Battle of the Vegans here. Winner will be shocked to find a baby koala inside the trophy!
Brock: NK has so much movement on his shots.
Me: Fun to watch his balls move.
Brock: What is he yelling at his box about?
Me: “Ghostface Killah is a better rapper than Method Man!” Think I just spotted the first ballthey. His box is a ragtag group of misfits. Looks like a cast for a buddy comedy-slash-heist movie. Nick talking to his box is ripe for video editors. Him ordering food, him reciting poetry lines, etc. So much untapped comedic gold.
Brock: Why do we still have humans doing line calls anyway?
Me: This woman [his sister] w/ her asymmetrical tank top, exposed midriff, & pants from The Asspicker Collection™️ makes me wanna punch my TV. At least his girlfriend wore Buzz Aldrin’s old spacesuit.
Brock: I’m surprised Nick is hanging around [for the trophy presentation], could see him just bolting. “Ship my plate, mate!” That plate is getting tossed in a hotel room tonight.
Me: Kate Middleton has a jolly good head of hair. Just smashing, innit? Was a fun Wimbledon. Can’t wait to do it in person in Flushing. I hope this helps Honey Nut make a deep run at the Open. Wanna see this guy win a slam before all’s said & done.
[You may now contact your alder(wo)man about this utterly offensive sequence of JOKES. Asshole.]